This year you would have been 27 years old. In 1982, on 28th June I was sitting in the lawns of the City Magistrate”s house in Jodhpur when I got a call. “Lala ke lala hua hai!” , Dadi spoke so excitedly! I was non-plussed. I didnt know how fathers were supposed to feel. This was the first time I had become a dad. There was a certain joy lurking deep within, but also a doubt. Was I ready for the responsibility?
That evening I left for Jaipur. The first thing I noticed about you Cheeku was the pair of large ears that seemed like tiny wings on the side of your head. Dadaji very proudly told me that you would grow up to be a very sensitive and humane person. Your ears were akin to those of the Buddha. His words were so prophetic. Everyone who came close to you has been touched with your magnanimity and joy for life?
I felt a strange sensation when I picked you up in my arms. You were warm and small, not tiny by any standard. On the contrary, a bit on the heavy side. But you didn”t even whimper. Just opened your eyes once, looked at me as if to judge whether I was capable of holding you safely, and went back to sleep. I wasnt feeling very attached to you ?t that moment, or so it seemed, because I am so certain I didnt want to hand you over to anyone else’. Somehow, having you in my arms was so comforting. And this trust remained till the very end…I would, in the midst of an animated converstaion, driving the car or simply watching a movie on TV, instinctively extend my hand and you would always gently put your hand on mine…it didn’t need to happen because of a reason…it happened just because you were my son…
Every year since then, I saw you grow from a loving happy child into a sensitive and caring young man. I saw you grow beyond my expectations, beyond my dreams. I saw so much of me in you but that was because I was being vain. You transformed me gently over the years and I became like you-living just a little ahead of the curve, technically breaking all the rules without ever crossing the line. ‘Living life King size’ as you would always proclaim before your friends…
Every time I close my eyes I can see you running up the stairs, coming back from school, responding to my holler of “Cheeku-Tubby” lazily…I can see you all the time and yet it seems that there is something still left to recall?
This year on the 28th you would have turned 27 years old. This year you would have perhaps gotten married too. Or maybe the next…how I had dreamt all those years about you getting married…and how I would dance around the world celebrating that moment. How a dream can sometimes remain just a dream…
Tubby always shores me up. Gaurav, Sunny, Deepesh and their lovely wives and Somya and Callie and Venetia and Shagun…and dearest Kanika, and Freyah and Rishabh and Chota Guarav and so many of your friends…they are all around me, they envelop me with their love and care. They come and rejoice with me every festival…many of them will all be there on the 28th.
Everything is everything, but youre missing, Cheeku. The empty feeling doesn”t go away. The one wish that the world would just once stop and then time would go back to when you were here with me, with all of us, in flesh and blood…how I wish a miracle would happen…I am told they happen, then why not once this time, on your birthday?
Dad